Pankaj, in the human form :)

the extra-florescence in colors is because these were the only two colors i had available in my vicinity. yes i am lazy.

project mayhem

my board in office. all the things i do, the little ideas that come and settle above my head. picture quality vcan be blames on the mac, i am deprived of a flashy cool camera. :)

that crazy heart thing called love?

hmph. I guess its just chemicals. i hope its chemicals. its dangerous like chemicals.

Its that knot in your chest that makes you not breathe,it makes you a klutz, it makes a point that you act beyond stupid for someone whom you've known for not more that 4.65 seconds.

you turn retarder by the minute, and forget the existence of other fellow humans who actually seem to care about you.you stay awake till inane hours imagining situations and actually planning an imaginary course of action till you're completely satisfied with the combat plan. of course if you ever spent that much time actually working you'd be heading some multi-national firm but that's the thing, multi-national CEO's don't fall in love. its simple.

you run every word you say in your head 45 times even before you actually speak, while that same smartness evaporates at the very sight of the person concerned. you're back to being that blithering babbler who says i -erm-erm-i before and after every sentence.

someone said love is like having champagne in your head. maybe it is. it gives you that fuzzy-dizzy feeling and you do things beyond silly that you wouldn't have done otherwise,ever.

It ruins everything that functions properly, and i mean everything. its a superficial cohesive force which makes you a pseudo philosopher both before and after and obviously during the course.

you feel like this great song-writer and maybe someday you can add that in your CV, obviously you might require the CV immediately because your hours at work are spent at reviewing where-your-human-is, and you haven't checked your mail for 42 years and the pending work at your table has reached beyond an accountable level so you really need a new job as much as you need a new life.

How to get to wherever in a shared auto?

yYou're sitting inside a shared-auto, a rickety old miserable excuse for a vehicle. NASA has been heard to describe it as a contraption specially designed to make you feel the existence of all the bones in your body and how well they can move once they are subjected to change in altitude.

The best thing about this is, irrespective of the speed the bumps always feel harder. If you're lucky enough to have not banged your head on the roof or your feet squashed by the total stranger sitting next to you who for some reason feels that there's enough space for him to spread his legs and inform his office-mates about the next juicy gossip that might happen in the coming 60 years, you can take pleasure of the scenic beauty outside. Its a vehicle of all the comforts, some auto's have been known to directly source B&O music systems so they can blare the newest tamil numbers for your comfort.

the auto driver is always, either a direct descendant of Michael Schumacher or the slowest turtle ever and, will take pride in putting the auto right in between the non-existent space between a double-bus and some water tank. As if its not enough he shall stop the auto at any place irrespective of availability of place or not, next to bunch of random individuals who would be concentrating between texting/calling and crossing the road. And irrespective of number of people inside he shall always assume there's enough space for more 2 people to fit in.

the ordeal seems to continue for forever, you almost bang into million things, don't ask what all, you're still not even half way to your destination because traffic is running so thick that there's no place for even twiggy to step in, yet the there'll always be people behind you with firm belief that blaring horns lead to instantaneous clearing of road. such is their belief that they hardly deter, the horn shall continue till your vehicle moves 1.2 mm further.

Rest of the journey's just a buzz, you're almost deaf, you can feel every bone in your body crackle, you're vibrating like you've been on a whole new Richter level. Now you're screaming your lungs out telling the auto guy to stop who conveniently decides to stop 10 meters ahead to wherever you intended to get down. anyway you're out now, you missed that garbage can and you're on the road and you're late for work. gotta be fast, but please don't run into that bus. thank you and have a nice day

when you go mad on photoshop : 5 minute scribbles that keep me alive in office

miniaturest minature - rainbow eyed children: the doors

shiny eyes of crazy

now my child
listen to me,
these shining eyes of crazy
have a lot to say
you must listen,
(like you have another way)

the things i look for but i never find.
the greed that makes me blind.
the hope that someday he'll be kind.

i want, i need. so often i scream.
all those things that i dream.

if i show you my secret,
you would die.
what i have in my pocket,
and what i just threw away
little truth and little lies

now my child come closer,
i want you to stay.
these shining eyes of crazy
will show you things,
about which you'll never say.

these are secrets, child.
the words so unkind.
they are mirrors to tomorrow,
and come what may,
if you listen don't
they'll take you away.

these shining eyes of crazy

*

the dreams are mirrors of tomorrow

orange skies

the orange skies,
higher they go
higher they be
the dreams we catch
the things we see
words we hear
aren't meant to be

Stunted wisdom

We; of the human kind, dwell so much on the past and the future; that we forget that its the present that we live in

---

The life that was once perceived as a cycle; has now become a line to us, where we progress from one point to another; defined by pursuit of yet another goal.

---

My dogs are better people than most humans i run into.

---

No, no, my child, that's not how you're supposed to find love. You go to a store and buy yourself a pretty little dog.

---

22 years down the drain,
and i just have mistakes to my name

---

They are your expectations, you deal with them!

---

The people you meet,
want to open you up like christmas treat

*

the nights of thousand splendid suns.

the girl that she is

a poignant fool who can fall for the oldest deadbeat stories, and make magnificent mistakes again.
irrespective of the influence of certain spirits, her stunted logics are just her inherent intuitions.

she chooses her battles, only they're the wrong ones.
often she feels she's fighting for a lost cause.

there's a void in her where feelings used to be,
she could make you shudder with her coldness, the visible empathy which she proudly wears on her coat.
make you wonder if she's all but real
that if there's anything that could affect her.

all she seems to emanate is deep putrid hatred. for wrongs committed towards her. towards others. wrongs.

she's not what she seems to be.
she's superficiality at its cheap best.
the wisdom, that makes itself visible in matters concerning others.
the emotions. her biggest problem. they are her trojan horse.

stars

the night sky.
stars.
an illusion of permanence.
things that last forever.

even though they're constantly flickering, caving in, dying.

yet all we see is permanence.
that they have been there before we came, and they'll be there after we are gone.

as life comes

of happy and the mean,
bitter anger and forgotten dreams,
lost love and fairy queens,
finding hope and the unforeseen.

to us: written by my best human and me on 12/18/08

when the days grow old, and the nights go cold
when the moon shines and the sun beams
for happiness your heart screams
thru the candle night gleam....
the picture becomes clear...
you're looking for, what; was once a dream
and ure stuck in the reality
picture seems to go unclear

but there is nothing to fear
for when you turn around, i'd still be there
and where u don't i will still b there
for i am the light that puts an end to yor fears
our relationship is so clear...
that puts an end to all the tears

* monologues

World's always running short of love,
are you sure, you're doing your bit by not making things worse?


Love will tear us apart
-found this one on a website, I think its a cheap monday advertisement and seems to make a lot of sense.

Prison writings

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,
And some when they are old;
Some strangle with the hands of Lust,
Some with the hands of Gold:
The kindest use a knife, because
The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,
Some sell, and others buy;
Some do the deed with many tears,
And some without a sigh:
For each man kills the thing he loves,
Yet each man does not die.

-- Oscar Wilde

the almost autobiography of a purple-panda seller

And then on the 7th day of may 1987 god made me, packed his bags and went for a holiday for he realized there was no need to create anymore masterpieces.

the years passed on as i was being subjected 2 what most people call necessary education,(though I still fail to see the need).

with my own consent I got deported to Chennai, to complete further degradation of the left over grey matter, the higher studies they call it( and in a more smarter manner NIFT, yea I’m studying design, I still say that it’s a mere waste of money and time and will do nothing more than making 1 totally perfect in use of google, wikipedia, and more profound in understanding the wonders of LAN and youtube.

after getting completely insane with the diverse mental retardation methods applied on me, i decided to get shifted to another city: Bangalore and started earning my living. It might sound exciting to few who think designing is painting fairy tales, but let me break the bubble for you, what you do for others is never good. Period. Even if you are eating chocolates for living, you will end up hating it at the end of the day. My life is restricted to sitting in front of a computer, so much so that i have forgotten how most humans look like, and I have been broke from the first dayi got my salary. Life my friends isn't that bright.

The adversities of life made the “lovely angel me” turn into a more politically correct-evil-minded-foul-conspiring-bling-loving-mad sinister devil who snaps/ breathes fire every time things fail 2 go her way.

See into me no more; for this ain’t me!
This is what world made me!

Memoirs of Sorrow

The lost moments,
the forgotten memories.
celebrating happiness and calculating grief
of broken heart and shattered dreams
the unfulfilled wishes and hopes that lost sheen

love that slipped,
the seconds that were missed

inside and out
just don't know how to go about
a piece of me,
part of mine
into oblivion it all sublimes
an extent of pain, another more,
yet another closed door

living everyday,
the memoirs of sorrow

.

A battle lies between what exists and what is yet to be born;
between reality and dreams.

the hopes are raised yet the promises stay unfulfilled, assurances broken and aspirations shattered.

Still the audacity of dreams and future should never be underestimated, no matter how amass the destruction is, there is nothing that can halt the cycle.

The harder we fall, the higher we end up raising our hopes for the next time.

No matter how worse the things go, there's always the next time which puts the last one to shame.

*i*

I let them make me,
now i have none to blame.
I try to deny,
but deep inside i know things aren't the same.

I pay for my actions with my name.

* you know it well

Sometimes life isn't about the choices you make but the options you are left with. and you can't help but take a wrong step. Regret and remorse set in even before the action, you have no option but to live with it. bailing out isn't a part of the deal, you have to take the next step even when you know you'll fall down hard

mutterings*

Times when I can’t find the words so right,
When happiness turns into fright
Times when I want to run away, for I can’t be me
And there isn’t anything that sets me free.

It hurts to be breathing for the pains too deep to be let gone
And no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to go on.

I don’t know till when I’d be on a test.
I don’t know what they say or is it me that I detest.

I can’t shut those eyes for they still seem to cry,
Nothing ever works no matter how hard I try.

Sometimes the light seems too bright,
'cause grims' gray has replaced all that was in sight.

The next day just brings in some more bad luck,
And in the end there’s no happiness to tuck.

The times when I want to sink in and disappear,
For my presence doesn’t count
and existence another arrear

forgotten monologues

Life is a series of misfortunes with a dash of good luck thrown away just at the right places, so that you never stop and always put your best foot down into another misfortune.

Yet the essence of surviving is in living without deepest regret over what could have been done, to breathe in the air that circulates life and look at the coming days as if they couldn’t have been better.

^monologue:religion

The essence of all, a way to teach, an expression of knowledge. The fact of knowing it all, yet accepting that none is perfect and there is a lot yet to be discovered.

The levels of imagination, it goes wilder, beyond the strangest yet not the epitome. The deepest desires unfolded, the hardest truths revealed. Of heartbreaks of triumphs, of grievances and losses, of us all. Of The mighty and the weak

Establishment of trust and faith, to keep all together to a path of purity. Leading the herd: ability and acceptance.

Creation of an eternal dream and perfect life.

**

The complexity of humanity never ceases to amaze me. We thrive our existence upon a sole creator who’s held accountable for all the happiness. The entire universe exists because of him, yet there is enough grief and sorrow in the world. What kind of intelligence would let so many lives suffer, let the poor die, evil thrive and hatch more?

stunted wisdom*

Life of mine’s a failed plan, things go more than wrong.
---

We can’t thrive on bad memories, even if we have them in abundance.
---

The past is gone,
you can't keep on holding on to it even if its good.
---

People change,
adjust,
and GET OVER IT!
---

WE make history,
so later others can celebrate what we've accomplished and mourn our losses.
---

Time doesn't make it easier,
it just gives you other things to worry about.
---

co-existence is an impossible phenomenon when its categorized under harmonious.
---

Co-incidentally- that doesn't exist,
Its all a pre-planned set up made to look like its random.
---

perfection is like a bubble,
just when you think you've had it,
it pops!
---

there's only one bigger plan,
that is how to make things worse.
---
Life's an emo bitch,
Get over it
---

It hurts to be living the truth too. When you know that your dreams don’t have the remotest chance of coming true. You try to forget it, you realize denial just makes you go over it again and again, and acceptance just sucks the left over hope. Every moment slows down by a million and every breath just makes living impossible. It’s like being on the edge of abyss and knowing that you’ve already taken the step to fall.
*

us?

We are a bunch afraid to take responsibility; the influences are strong but pseudo/superficial and short-lived. We get inspired to do less and talk more. The truth is just mocked upon and reality of situation denied even when we know its happening and we don’t do anything about it. We believe that anything that is not ours is beautiful, efficient and perfect and what is ours never works; and we make it a point that it won’t. Steps to set things right are never taken. We wait for things to turn worse and give up on them. We crib and crib about how deprived we are yet we do nothing to attain privileges. We constantly dream about tomorrow when everything would set itself right, magically and what needs to be done would accomplish itself right-away. We yearn for change, for which we don’t do anything yet dream about it and wait for it to happen somehow.

Like a herd we follow; anyone who talks louder, looks stronger; afraid to take initiative and waiting for others to take the lead or most of time are too busy doing nothing. Innate, we are okay about where we lie ; no matter how much we crib and do the big-talk.

Let’s get up, for unless we do that we’ll sleep through rest of our story like we have been doing. Let’s not sit and brood on the glory which is yet to come. Let’s work towards achieving the dreams long discarded, for a passionless pursuit of what others were doing.

Let’s change ourselves.

end*

Oh, I am sorry!
But this is the end.
I didn’t want this,
But I can’t help
As you said,
There’s nothing wrong
So what’s there to mend?

Oh, I am sorry!
But this is the end.

birthday jitters*

Another year bygone,
faiths tested, minutes wasted,
hours lost yet the seconds survived.

unfulfilled wishes, the abandoned hope,
the souring dreams, the expectations that rose.

a broken heart, the shed tears
the lost smile, the happiness i fear.

a series of triumphs, hosts of despair
longing for laughter, an escaped prayer
not everything ends up being fair

the losses mourned, and the treasured gains,
oh those lovely walks in the rain,
the wind on my face,
the life we live as a race

wish*

Let me slowly blow the birthday candles,
Feel the wind on my face,
The longing in his gaze.
See the winter go spring
The sky going pink.
The clouds fading away
The trees that gently sway.
Feel the caress of every moment.
Realize the blink of my eyes
Taste the morning rain.
And feel the fading pain
Look at the people walking away
And see the emotions play
Let me hear the sound of my own laughter
And find comfort in my sobs
Make my own song
Smoke slowly the last bong. ;)

O let me slowly dance away